Ah yes Christmas shopping, had to be done, no escaping. In a fit of pique resolve to get organised early, so started tentative Xmas consumption in August!  As ever pride coming before that fall, and with the immortal line, ‘Fortune vomits on my eiderdown again’ ( Black Adder), I find myself standing at the desk of the Marks and Spencer ‘Customer Services‘ department being closely examined by CCTV….

Let me recap..

Amid a sea of black velvet and glitter that is our local, and vast, Marks and Spencer at Christmas, dear Mum and I sally forth on a quest for the last remaining pressies and Yuletide fripperies various.

I collect toys from upstairs and then meet Mum at designated spot for payment and happy escape.

I join the inevitable long queue and notice that one man serving is all dressed up, with clearly nowhere to go, in tux, complete with bow tie and slicked back, well greasy actually, hair. He looked, well, ever so slightly …. damp.  I reckon ‘flu was on its way - the whole impression was, to say the least, clammy.

Being served by a man looking like an extra from ‘Titanic’ following his encounter with Davy Jones was no great advertisement for the Men’s Department.

“Madam,” he says, “you’ve not got all your 3 for 2 items, you need to collect one more free item.”

“Er .. Well.. Ummm .. “ Decisive as ever.

“Just choose one from over there Madam, and I will hold the transaction until your return, leave your shopping here, I‘ll look after it."  Slippery smile.

“Ok thanks.”  Trip to the nearby ‘3 for 2‘ aisle and collect pukey pink and orange bath gel for neice.

Upon my return queue up again, well I’m English I love to queue, then explain to a lovely man, dry, no tux, that Mr Di Caprio’s friend at the end had my shopping and had held the transaction over until I collected all the 3 for 2 items. His glazed expression receded as the man in the tux squelched over, pressed all the buttons and I paid up.

Great, went down to the end of the counter where our friend from Titanic was serving and waited for my shopping. Ah…….

“Can I help you Madam?”

“Yes thanks, I’ve come to collect my shopping, you said you ‘d look after it, while I got the remaining 3 for 2 item? You held up the transaction for me? About 5 minutes ago?”

“But I gave it to you Madam, it’s in your trolley.”  He oozes over the counter to peer accusingly into my trolley.

“ Er no, I definitely left it with you.“

All eyes are on me now.

“But I gave it to you Madam.”

“No, sorry, I’ve paid for all my goods but, as you see, I only have the one item that you, kindly, sent me away to collect, while you looked after the rest.”

A mild but increasingly wet panic then seemed to sweep over him, there was much cupboard and drawer opening, wasn’t sure if he was searching for my shopping or the last remaining life jacket. There‘ll be no going down with the ship for this guy.

“Here Madam, take this bag, you have your receipt, simply replace the goods that you‘ve bought.”

“Er right, um thanks."  How’s this going to work then? I walk round M & S with a bag, put things in it and leave the store …. I think I can see a problem here, talk about women and children first, rats leaving a sinking ship etc.

Meet Mum and explain.  “How’s that going to work then? I’ll wait here I think.”

You can always rely on your mother in crisis.  Proceed upstairs to ’Toys’ where I find two assistants filling shelves. I explain, in great detail, my predicament which is met with two incredulous stares. Perhaps it would have been more believable if I simply shouted  “Iceberg, iceberg !!!!”

I start to explain the whole tale of woe yet again at which point either sympathy or boredom got the better of her.  “Madam please don’t worry, you have your receipt, simply collect your goods and we will check the items before you leave, it’s not a problem.“

A life raft at last, sail round toys replacing all the items, including 3 for 2s, that I’d already paid for.  Are you following this ?  Go to find final toy on the list, the aptly named ‘Brain Teaser’ only to find none left.

“Oh dear I think the one you bought, but haven’t got, was the last one Madam, sorry.”  “No problem, I’ll take the Air Powered Rocket instead, it’s the same price so that’s fine,” I say cheerily, past caring now.

“Yes that’s fine Madam, but you will need to go to Customer Services so they can swipe the item because it’s not the same as the item on your receipt.”  She adds a smile. ”Happy Christmas.”

The queue at Customer Services is as wide as the Atlantic itself and equally stormy, full of folk replacing or refunding half their wardrobes, if not more.  Eventually get to the till.

“Are you ready for this?” I chirp, “you’ll never believe it“…… I relay the whole tale again,  ”- so all I need you to do now is scan this Air Powered Rocket, which replaces the Brain Teaser game that I no longer have because it’s out of stock, and then I’ll have a receipt for it, ok?”

I’m right, she didn’t believe me; she is, in fact, quite bemused.

“I think I’d better get my supervisor.”

Starting to get a bad feeling about this.

So this is where you came in. As I start to read the Refund Policy, for want of something better to do, that’s emblazoned on the wall behind the till, I’m aware that she’s been gone a long time, a very, very long time……  Of course! I’m being scrutinised by CCTV!  Lets face it, my story is bizarre, I’m walking round the store putting things in a bag from a receipt for goods that I’ve paid for but not actually got. Looks bad eh? Yep.

I can hear the pages of  ’Guide to the Body Language of Shoplifters’ turning as I speak. I’ll be on a staff training video by next week.  Very long queue has formed now, I’m starting to look conspicuous in my orange mac.

Yes! It’s obvious! Prepare my defence. Why would anyone attempt to shoplift wearing a bright orange mac, (thanks Johnny), with a matching scarf and, ohooooo, is that just a hint of brassiness in the hair? I could hardly be less camouflaged against the white shiny surfaces and bright lights of M&S.

Ok then, body language. Don’t fiddle! Place crossed hands with palms uppermost on the counter and continue to read the ‘Refunds Policy‘, have now taken on the appearance of an orangutan awaiting Reiki.

Mercifully no redness in the face as yet, not that that will wash with two burly security guards as I’m dragged through ‘Per Uno‘ pleading “But I’m peri-menopausal you know,“ on my way to a place of incarceration where my remaining years will be spent humming ‘The heart will go on‘ and muttering something about 3 for 2s.  Now pull yourself together, you’re innocent!

Meanwhile, Mum continues to wait downstairs, still she’s probably engrossed in making a ‘Free Sandra Pagan‘ placard as we speak. Yes, you can tell the allure of the Refund Policy had worn thin, was just reciting it will my eyes closed, when….   

“Good morning.”

An immaculate woman, short and sharp-suited (probably with steel toe caps concealed within the black patent leather) confronts me, accompanied by nervous assistant.

“Madam could you tell me EXACTLY what happened?”  No smile, I’m getting a vibe of guilty until proven innocent and a voice saying ‘Mrs Pagan please, remember where you are’…..

Tell my sorry saga in a succinct but warm and friendly way. She’s having none of it.  "I’m sorry Madam, I don’t understand. Please go through it again.”

Ok, looking for inconsistencies are we? I relate my story AGAIN, getting just a little cross now.

“So he gave you a bag and told you to simply replace the items you’d already paid for?”

“Yes, but it didn’t seem like a particularly good idea,” I guffawed.

“Indeed.”

Does this woman never blink I wondered, was she pushing the red button under the counter, the one that would send me through the trap door and into the shark tank and Davy Jones’ locker?

‘This isn’t just any Great White, this is a M & S Caribbean Great White with extra sharp pearly teeth’………

“Madam.”

Here we go.

She softens. ”I can only apologise,“ (I hear the rest of the queue give a sigh - did I hear a ripple of applause?) “a member of staff should have accompanied you and helped you replace your lost items, this is simply not the way we do things at Marks and Spencer, I can not apologize enough.”

Case dismissed!

Supervisor leaves assistant scanning Air Powered Rocket and strides back to her lair - I mean office.

I, finally, meet Mum and we put the placards in the bin on the way out. The last time I saw the man in the tux he was standing on the counter behind a customer with arms out stretched saying, “You do trust me don’t you Rose?”